Auron in Zanarkand
by Oedipus Tex
Summary: Auron spent a lot of time in Zanarkand...the question is, what was he doing there? Finally, after some excellent investigative reporting, here is the answer to that ageold question.


**AN:** This story is wack. It's meant to be, for I need to counterbalance all that super-drama that was in my other story, Journey of the Fallen. Honestly, this is just a little something that was written for those of you who have read my other story, and perhaps thought that I cheated you all out of a full ten years worth of Auron's life (or, death). I didn't explain much of what happened to him in Zanarkand, did I? Well, here's my answer to that.

**Auron in Zanarkand (with exhaustive notes)**

This, in the hundredth year of the Eternal Calm, we remember the men and women who brought us the Calm. In our school-days, we are taught of these great people: we come to know of these men and women almost as well as if they were among us today; and when we turn our attentions to the Calm, in celebration of the final defeat of Sin and Yu Yevon, it seems as though these same heroes are among us, tangible and real. Who among us hasn't read the High Summoner's biography, Just A Girl with Her Aeons, and who doesn't know the story of how Kimarhi became the most placid elder of the Ronso? We know Wakka, Rikku, and Lulu almost as though they were old friends. But there remains one of the Lady Yuna's guardians shrouded in mystery: the so-called Legendary Guardian, Sir Auron. Certainly we know of his birth and death, his childhood and his two pilgrimages, but there also much that we don't know. For years, we have asked ourselves, "What did Sir Auron do during the so-called Great Vanishing, in which Sir Auron disappeared for ten years?" Surely, we haven't been able to answer these questions, and turn to conjecture.

_But no longer! These questions, and many more, have been answered by the discovery of a lost text, detailing the Legendary Guardian's years during the Great Vanishing. This author is pleased to write that this text was found in the attic of this author's own home, and was written by the author's own great-grandfather, in the ensuing years after the Eternal Calm. The narrative of this text was sourced to him by none other than Rikku, the same Al Behd who was a fellow guardian with Sir Auron, who related it to him by mouth. My great-grandfather had aspirations to become an eminent journalist, and was constantly on the lookout for a story that would made him a giant in the field of journalism (he, unfortunately, died, never achieving such fame). Obviously, having made acquaintanceship with Rikku, he felt he had found the story that he needed. Apparently, at some later date, he must have come to believe that the narrative he was given was utter nonsense, for this text, when it was found, had words written in red ink across its pages, "Junk." This is unfortunate, not only for him, but for us as well. Rikku, even to her last dying breath, told of the one time she slipped Sir Auron a mickey (placed secretly into a jug he was fond of), and was treated to a tale of his years during the Great Vanishing. In light of other evidences, we must believe her story to be true. How unlucky, indeed, for my great-grandfather, who died in journalistic obscurity, regardless of his efforts. _

_I took the opportunity of adding notes, which, I hope, further illustrate not just the compelling history of the man himself, but also the impact he had on later times, even up until now; other notes are also included to make clear several facts which may be obscure to modern readers, to help us more fully understand the gripping history and lives of such riveting people._

_--------------------Cellenra the IV, for the Spiran Inquisitor, AC 100_

**Auron in Zanarkand**

This is an accurate narrative of Sir Auron, guardian of the High Summoners Lord Braska and Lady Yuna, as related to him by the High Summoner Lady Yuna's guardian, Rikku of Al Behd, daughter of Cid. – Written by Cellenra Guado, in the year After Calm 4

Auron was a terribly stubborn man. When he was a child, his mama used to tell him, "Auron, you are as stubborn as a mule!" He took this as a compliment, and continued doing the things his parents told him not to do, until they got so frustrated with him they sent him off to a school for monks (_1). _Auron was stubborn, but he wasn't that stubborn! There was no way he was stubborn enough to defy a bunch of monks, especially when they could kick his butt up one side of Spira and down the other. And so Auron seemed to become an obedient guy, and followed the rules, never broke the law, and did what he was told, you know.

UNTIL, someone told him that he needed to marry this girl. Auron would have rather died than marry this girl, and as we find out later, he did in fact. Rather than marry her, he went on a suicide mission to defeat a rather large monster named Sin, which gave him and his friends the smack down quite rightly. He died, but he was so stubborn he refused to actually stay dead, and continued on doing things that he had no right to be doing anymore, you know.

Auron decided that since he had a new life, he outta find a new place to stay for a while. He had heard about this place called Zanarkand, and it was so unlike Spira, it seemed like a pretty great place to go. So go he went, you know.

The first thing that Auron did when he got to Zanarkand was to buy himself a pair of sunglasses. The glasses were meant to guard his eye from the glittering, blinding of the great machina city…and they were _really_ cool! He tried to pay the seller with some gil and mothballs he had rolling around in his pocket, but the merchant didn't want them; Auron "accidentally" knocked the guy's sunglass stand over, lifted the guy's glasses when the guy wasn't looking (it doesn't matter where you come from, a five-finger discount is a five-finger discount), and beat it. _No_ one defies the Legendary Guardian, you know.

Auron was feeling pretty good about himself. Here, he had cheated death, strolled into a dream city, and was looking pretty fine to all the ladies. His shades and awesome red coat were total chick magnets. And then he had this really cool scar; ladies dig cool scars. So yeah, Auron was feeling pretty good. Unfortunately, it was not to last. As with all foreigners, culture shock came a knocking, and it ran our legendary guardian over like a truck, you know.

To cope, he found himself a nice cave in a wood, just outside the city, and spent the next several years there. Children often dared each other to dart up to the entrance of the cave, and then ran away screaming like little girls when Auron came running out, shaking his fist, yelling incoherently to "Ge' outta me cave, ye darn kids!" _(2) _Thus was born the blood-curdling school-yard tale of the crazy old man who lived in the cave, with the spiders and bats crawling all over him, listening to the Russian pub songs _(3)_ that he sang drunkenly _(4)_, you know.

After a few years of this, Auron decided that maybe Zanarkand wasn't so bad after all, and that perhaps it was time to enter society. He came to this conclusion when he saw a girl mincing out by some water, feeding the ducks, considering what her stock options were. Yeah, she was awfully purty, and she became Auron's friend toot-sweet _(5). _After that, he held down odd jobs, and became one of the other poor schlubs standing in the long line at the Zanarkand Post Office, on April 15th morn _(6)_, trying to mail his tax return in time. He also discovered the joys of pie. Auron liked pie. In Spira, they had no pie; they had chocobos (which was almost the same thing), but no pie, you know.

And so Auron passed the rest of his years in Zanarkand, like the rest of the saps. When it came time, he wasn't exactly sad to see it go, because he had bills due, overtime to work, and had broken up with his girlfriend. He broke up with her once he wondered what the heck he was doing dating a woman that had been dead a thousand years. What was he doing, he thought, hanging around an older woman? If he wanted a girlfriend, he should have found one that had only been dead for a decade, more or less. And so it was without a backward glance that Auron shook the dust of Zanarkand from his feet, and returned to the real world. There, he had just as many adventures as he had had in Zanarakand; but of all the accomplishments he performed in Spira, he felt that his most important contribution, to Spira, was his introduction of pie, _(7) _you know.

**Notes for Auron in Zanarkand**

_(1) "… they sent him off to a school for monks":_ The school was St. Sta-lenne's School for Warrior Monks and Boys, located in Red County, a little suburb of Beville. The headmaster at this school, at this time, was a man named Sirk, which the boys reportedly called Sirk the Jerk. He was a stern man, and was said to carry a large paddle with him at all times, for disciplinary action. It is claimed that the paddle was permanently indented with the form of young Auron's underside, for the boy was famed for getting into trouble. Whether this rumor is true or not is unconfirmed; the said paddle was found, and it was discovered to be indented somewhat, although it is impossible to verify that these marks match the form of young Auron's posterior.

_(2) "… Auron came running out, shaking his fist, yelling incoherently to "Ge' outta me cave, ye darn kids!":_ It is easy to dismiss Auron's gain of a strange accent, where he had no accent before, as mere exaggeration, but further research has indicated that suggestion of an accent is indeed true. The Num-Num Mushroom was endemic to the caves around Zanarkand at this time, and was the most likely cause of Auron's odd loss of coherent speech. The mushrooms exude a vaporous toxin that, once inhaled, cause general disorientation, a weakening of the vocal cords, and effects the speech centers of the brain, causing the speaker to have difficulty forming full, complete sentences — hence the name, Num-Num Mushroom. Surely, if Auron hid out in a cave rife with such flora, he would have suffered from these effects, thus producing the tale we see today.

_(3) "… listening to the Russian pub songs…": _Auron's repertoire probably included the galloping, _Old Boris Ivanonov Was An Old Crank_; and surely, the famous, _Princess Tufti Sat Upon A Rubble, and Made A Ruble_.

_(4) "…the blood-curdling school-yard tale of the crazy old man who lived in the cave…": _A remnant of this tale remains today, known amongst school-age children as the _Story of the Old Knife-Wielder. _The Old Knife-Wielder, in this version, is said to have been born in the drippings off the cave ceilings, and spends his days deep within the cave, shunning the sun. He carries a large toothpick, which he uses to poke interesting specimens with. The man does not need to eat, but he does need to drink, and carries a large wine barrel with him, filled with bat spittle and worm-blood, in order to appease his never-fading thirst. This story is an excellent example of how folktales, which we may believe to be complete lies, may have more truth in them then we realize.

_(5)_ The creation of the term, "toot-sweet", is shrouded in mystery, and its true meaning has been lost to us. The great etymologist, Dr. Narn of Jechtshot University, has studied the origin of the term thoroughly, and has this to say: "I cannot make a definite elucidation on the derivation of the colloquial 'toot sweet', but I do deduce that it has much to do with flatulence. There are several idiomatic aphorisms for flatulence, including such expressions as: fart, rip one, cut the cheese, let her rip, gas, break wind, pass gas, cut one, and toot, to name but a few. It is my credence that the term 'toot sweet' is an ironic allusion to flatulence. As we are all aware, flatulence is by no means sweet smelling, and as such, flatulence has the significant capacity to clear an enclosed room of all its inhabitants remarkably quickly. Therefore, to say that something has happened in 'toot sweet' time, is to suggest that something had happened as quickly as the clearing of a room, after someone has broken wind within its confines."

_(6)_ No one exactly knows who decided that this date, April 15th, should be the day that people mailed in their taxes, but when we search, we can find that this date has always been of this particular significance. Even as far as to the beginning of recorded history, April 15th has been known as Tax Day. The most notable evidence of this was discovered in AC 18, in a cave on Mt. Gagazet, amongst several cave drawings of aurochs, wooly mammoths, and dogs playing poker. This particular piece of cave art illustrates what appears to be tax return day in Ice Age Spira. There are several human forms, depicted as standing in long lines, and holding what appear to be bundles of mammoth tusks, which was the form of currency during this time. Also included is a hand stencil, with only four digits present — apparently, at that time, those unable to pay their taxes had their middle fingers taken instead, in lieu of the tusks. We know that such a thing took place in April, for there are several depictions of lambs being birthed; and we know that this scene took place on the 15th, for a large foreboding 15 was superimposed over the entire piece of cave art, measuring an incredible 40 m in width!

_(7) "… his introduction of pie…":_ This is the most surprising fact of all: who would have imagined that when pie emerged a little over 100 years ago, it was because of the Legendary Guardian! Surely, we are indebted to him for many, many things, and quite possibly, for many more things that we are not aware of.

**The End**

_**(real) Author's Note: **Whew.Someone ought to put a muzzle on those Guado! Interestingly, the term "toot sweet" comes from the French "tout de suite", which means "consecutively". Some English speakers (presumably soldiers) picked the term up during WWI, and adjusted it as so, to make it the term we see today. (It's fun to learn!) (There's a little joking homage to another show in here…:P)_


End file.
